Tuesday, March 1, 2011

some rather uninteresting night time wanderings

I'm going to start this post off by saying that I probably shouldn't broadcast my thoughts all over the internet. However, I have come to a conclusion as to why blogging is really great. I do a lot of writing, and I have a lot of really great friends. When I have a problem, issue or just something on my mind, I generally go to one of those two options. Writing is great, I can be purely self-expressed, not have to worry about anyone else's opinion, and I can just write what ever there is that needs to be written. Friends are also great, (as I'm sure you all know) because they offer things that I would never have seen by myself.

The problem with writing is that I write to myself, in a sense. Nothing really gets resolved, and I often go round and round in circles. Friends, on the other hand, will often help resolve things. This is not always ideal. Sometimes I just need to rant, blow off steam, talk it out, etc. And in their sweet way they will offer advice that I really didn't want anyway.

This is why blogging is wonderful. Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, I know that this will be read by someone. So I'm not writing to myself and driving myself crazy. At the same time, the unkown readers of this post are like the non-existent silent friend who simply lets me rave until there is nothing left to rave about. Blogging is my new happy medium between my two favourite outlets. Sometimes we all need to just say stuff, probably to no real purpose, right?

What I really wanted to write about, was love, I guess. Being stuck in the mindset of consistently asking myself, 'what is love?', I realise that this might not really be about love at all. Apologies in advance, my invisible friends.

What do you do when you get to the point of boredom? (Remember, these are all rhetorical questions.) Not bored with the person, but bored of the relationship. What do you do when it feels completely pointless, useless and directionless? Once, it was self-perpetuating, self-generating; it just happened, and it just worked. Now it is hard, and confusing, and just generally boring. (Sorry to repeat the adjective, but there's really no other word quite as fitting.) I'm sure there are people who would say, get out now, while you can! But at the same time, isn't it all part of it? Just something to work through, together?

I know sometimes I get bored of a friend. Then we don't hang out as much, don't talk as much, but after a while we're back to normal. I guess you just get over the boredom. Or something like that. Why can't it be the same with a relationship? I thought maybe removing myself would help, similar to what happens with a friend. Hence my disappearance over the summer. Since being back in the city though, it seems to have gotten worse. Also, as a side note, I realise I am being very indirect here, but you know, people know people, and word spreads fast, and all of that stuff.

I just can't really be bothered any more. And goodness knows that sounds so lazy and pathetic (which are both words I would easily ascribe to myself in many cases), but I just can't stand the tedium. The sense of standing still in the same spot for days, weeks, months. The idea of my emotions bubbling down until they are nothing but a trickling stream in a wide desert. The possibility that I could grow careless; as in, not caring. All of that sounds awful, and not what I want! I just don't know how to tear it up, let loose and send this thing flying. Considering this is not a self-imposed limbo, but rather a two person tango into oblivion, I don't know how to deal with it.

I don't know how to re-invigorate us. The fact that he's in his own half way house, the one called: do I want this or not? doesn't help. It makes me nervous and worried, and often makes me say and do very silly things. I sure as hell don't want to lose him, but the more he dallies, the more I get scared and the more I push him away. It's one giant, shitty downward spiral.

Well, folks, thanks for listening. Sorry for the absence of literary genius, or rather, the use of good vocabulary and grammar, but it's just where I am tonight. Luckily tomorrow's class is editing. I think I need it! Who doesn't want a bit of structure in their language, or their life?

(thanks my love poems for the pic)

1 comment:

  1. Cheers to that. Now I'm going to be the silent friend. xo